Although I am happily married now, I had to go through dating ups and downs after my divorce. I decided to take a year off from dating to rediscover myself and spend some well needed time on my own. So after a year I dipped in the dating pool.
My first date after my divorce was with a good looking man whom I met on match.com. We chatted online for several weeks and our email conversations flowed nicely. Surprisingly we had a lot in common. We decided to meet in a well lit public place (I made sure I followed the dating ‘rules’). I was excited to meet him. In one of our emails, he spelled the baseball team Boston Red Sox ‘Red Socks’ which was a tiny red flag for me, but I’d take a risk and meet him anyway.
We met at a pub styled restaurant on a Friday night. We sat at the bar and ordered a drink and a few appetizers. We laughed and talked about ourselves, work, life, kids, goals, what we wanted in life. The vibe was effortless and it felt like we had known each other for a lifetime. As we winded down , with no prompting of my own, he asked for my number and said he wanted to see me again. He kissed me on the cheek and said he’d call soon. I smiled from ear to ear and felt I was so lucky to hit the jackpot on the first date! It crossed my mind about all the other single women I knew and they just couldn’t find the right guy. I had to admit my thought was – what was wrong with them! This dating thing is a piece of cake! I just met someone – on the first shot – someone I could marry and have babies with. Search is over! Phew, that wasn’t so bad.
As I was driving home, the evening replayed in my mind – great eye contact, nice back and forth talking, no dull awkward moments, a little flirting on his part, a little giggling on mine. He touched me a few times on my arm or my leg. We had goofy and serious moments – such well rounded conversationalists we were! It was a perfect evening. When I arrived home I sent him a charming thank you email ( after all he did pick up the tab for the drinks and appetizers) Basically I just wanted to connect with him. Plus I was eager to make plans for our next date!
After I forwarded my sweet, delightful, slightly manipulative email, I saw his name pop up on my computer screen. He replied so fast, he must have been waiting to hear from me!!!
“Nice to meet you but I’m not interested in you.”
What?
I read it again. …..not interested in you….. WHAT!??!?!?!
Rejection??
I didn’t get it. Just a few short hours ago he said he liked me, he told me he had fun, he laughed with me, he shared some personal things about himself, he flirted, he asked for my number, he said he wanted to see me again – all of these things he said were not coerced by me, they were his words, and he said them without hesitation.
I felt the tears well up quickly. That little tickle in my nose before the flood gates opened. The cries quickly turned to a sob.
My first thoughts: What was wrong with me? Why didn’t he like me? What did I do? Did I turn him off? Am I repulsive to look at? Was my cleavage not showing enough? Was I boring? Should I have slept with him? I must be repulsive. Why am I such a loser? Poor me! No one will ever love me!
After a few hours of this head torture, I thought things through a bit more. I’d spent a lot of hard work and energy improving my self worth and self esteem. I took steps to move forward from my divorce and learn to love myself and to treat myself with gentleness and kindness. The struggle to find the real me and truth. These questions I was asking myself were not in my best interest and they were not loving thoughts. They were hurting me.
First thing I had to do for myself was to reply back to him.
“Joe, it was a pleasure to meet you tonight and thank you for letting me know where you stand. In the future if you are not interested in someone, please don’t ask for her number or say things you don’t mean. I’m an adult and can accept that you didn’t feel we would work out. Wish you luck in your search.”
The email felt right. I had to be honest with him and tell him how I was feeling but not in a malicious way. I could have called him and yelled or email a scathing note back, but that was not the right thing to do.
After I sent the email and dried my tears, I reviewed the last year of my single life and how I am independent and strong and have learned to love myself on my own. I was determined that this man that I spent only a few hours with was not going to make me feel like crap about myself. I was done with that – or at least trying to be done with that. I was so tired of putting myself down and feeling badly about myself.
I decided to make a list of my truths. These truths helped me bounce back from his rejection.
#1 truth. He had no intention of calling me. Some people are going to tell you something you want to hear for various reasons. He probably felt it was easier and more comfortable for him to say he’d call. Not sure what his intentions were behind it, but that was his character defect – had nothing to do with me.
#2 truth – I can go on a date and have a great time. I don’t have to have plans to marry him or even see him again. If I can live and have fun in the moment without expectations, that is a healthy experience. I can honestly say that I did have a good time – nothing came of it, but the night was enjoyable and I could hold my own.
#3 truth – Just because one man wasn‘t interested in pursuing a relationship with me, doesn’t mean I’m not an attractive person or that I‘ll never be in a relationship. I have friends that are perfectly nice guys but I don’t find them attractive. They would make someone a wonderful partner but not for me. That doesn’t mean they aren’t nice, or an awesome catch, or that they wouldn’t be attractive to someone else. I thought long and hard about this. For someone who doesn’t find me attractive, it doesn’t mean that I am not an attractive person, it just means for that one person I am not a match. This was pivotal for my self esteem. I put myself out there and am subject to all kinds of rejection – but I can look at it another way. I am the interviewer and I have to find what I am looking for and I can‘t worry if someone finds me attractive or not.
#4 truth – and most important. I’m not going to give the guy all my power. I was happy after the date because I thought he thought I was funny and laughed a lot. Then I really thought about it – what did HE do to make me laugh. Light bulb!! I’m so concerned about what he thought of me that I really didn’t take a look at how he made me feel. I was so focused on how good looking he was that I didn’t really zone in on what he, as a potential partner, offered me.